Hope, coming to an end!

Well i have to say that an awful lot has happened since my last visit, the coming to an end thing? well the thing is hopefully im nearly all fixed from the tumor and and brain problems and fluid issues but my problem now is that i am seriously loosing my sight, i mean like really bad, i cant describe it.
Imagine you have been out for hours on the pull and you have had several bottles of vodka and then you go blind and dizzy and feel sick because you cant focus? well that's exactly how i feel every minute of every day ay this moment in time so im just praying to god i don't go blind if anything.
I suppose i can do really is just to think possitive, i have always found it funny because when i found out what was wrong with me and found out the seriousness of the problem people tole me to just think positive. Well!! what ekes can i do?

I go to the docs soon to explain the more recent issues and hopefully in a few weeks i get my results from my recent visit to the hospital, all should be well and good. I'm thinking positive you see, :)

-GOD HAS SPOKEN, Time to change for the better!

Do you ever get that feeling that just hits you in the face and tells you that everything your doing is wrong? i have. Ive just realized that im going about everything completely the wrong way! Ive just noticed im wasting my time on certain people, i mean why is it always me doing the chasing? don't i mean anything to you after everything we have been through. its horrible when the same thing happens ten times in a row with ten different people and your stuck, makes you wonder if your the one to blame.  How do you describe something like this, i kind of have a weird feeling that i shouldn't do this anymore and let everyone else do the chasing for once, my best people in the world that just squash me into the ground without realizing they are doing it, how can i open there eyes.          

The worst thing to me is betrayal, waking up in a morning, that person (people) you think about, they are suppose to be special without trying where as i am special to others trying my absolute hardest.

The way i see it is that inside me a have a hole. in the hole is my life, my circle of involvement in the world, the people i know, people i speak to, people i give my heart to and the people that give there heart to me. My favorite places in the world and my bestest people the people i care about and the people i love more than the water i drink. Its hard to have most of that hole taken away and still feel the same way because every-time something bad happens or someone hurts me that hole is gaining another hold inside of it, That feeling is the worst, when you try everything to recover it and there is no hope.

I am titanium, you shoot me down but i wont fall. well that's usually how it is but now its different i will go down and i have further to fall. I'm going to prove there's nothing to loose- fire away and do your worst i will soon know who deserves a place in the circle i have built for myself.

Its just that no one understands just how you feel, they never do because you always wear a mask.

                                                        I don't want to be better anymore.

Hay you guys!!!!!!! sooooo angry man!

absolutely pissed off with the passion, i hate it how people think its ok to do something when really its not, i mean how cheeky can you get? first i give you my prize possession, then you stamp on my laptop with your massive hands and think its ok, well im sorry love but have you got £700 no didnt think so. so keep off.
this is kind of a place i come to moan as Facebook is broadcasted and too open for my liking!!
Do i do what i want to do or do i do what i don't want to do? shall i do whats best for me or whistle on by down the street?? im confused, someone tell me what to do. i dont want to be selfish but if you take the piss, yanoo there is only so much i can take!! arr well i will get there in the end hopefully, we will see wont we im going to make something of my life not like you!!!

OUSHHHH i feel liuke running very fast!!!!

I love to bully andy, he loves it too. I do sometimes wonder how he puts up with me-buttt... i love him so he will have to just deal with it!!!

REALLY REALLY SCARED!!! Just waiting for a letter to go into hospital having a lumbar puncture, and then an operation to drain fluid, then i have to go for another MRI scan to see if i have cancer on the brain. Not sure if i should just run or cry and hide. Yippee tho once im sorted i will be able too see and walk and not get headaches. woooooohooohoohooo.
OH and i love kate bush with the passion so exited for the new single. Mind you im loosing the hearing too. MUTTON JEFF, cant bloody hear you.

B-baileys
A-amazing
I-incredible
L-ludicrously tasty
E-exiting
Y-yummy
S-Scrumptious

Can you tell i love it, yes cos your not as stupid as I LOOK hahahhhhahha
Andy is now accusing me of being a druggy!!! hmm hmmmmmm nope i am already on enough prescribed pills to kill a bull.
Dont need anything illegal to make me.. well.....not myself. Well i would explain and tell you my drugs with a fantastic description, but wudnt want people to not read my blog because it takes 8 days to read. hahahaah
OVER N OUT!!!! cyaaaaaaaaaa im off to pie shop!!

i invented pain sister!!

well bad pain today, really sore lower left hand abdo. its killing  me man wheres andy bloody yates???? arrrgghhhhhhh

WHAT IS GOING ON!!

WELL.... lets just say i wish i would have listened when i had the chance, i do these things because i think im right, HOW WRONG WAS I.

I nearly felt out with the bestest guy in the world over s stupid pathetic girl, which in my eyes i must have been on drugs. I would just like to say sorry to the people i upset during this stupid PHASE of my life and it will certainly not happen again.  ATM i just cant wait to go see Andy, as he is a LEGEND!!!...................

Ive also been let down today got told i cant move into my new house as the landlord has took it off the market,what a joke,is he just stupid or asking for a slap? i really got my hopes up too.

Been learning new songs on my guitar getting there slowly bu shorly.

still packing tho as im sure i will find somewhere else with a big back garden, for my chickens. :-) anyway off and out now GOODBYE ALL. :-)

KEEP SMILING!!!

Found out a good friend of mine is very upset atm. His grandmother has just passed away. keep your chin up Kenny, it will get better. I am here for you. you know if you need a hug. Cant wait to see you Wednesday i will keep your chin up for you. he he  cos i know you cant do this all on your own. ;-)