Hope, coming to an end!

Well i have to say that an awful lot has happened since my last visit, the coming to an end thing? well the thing is hopefully im nearly all fixed from the tumor and and brain problems and fluid issues but my problem now is that i am seriously loosing my sight, i mean like really bad, i cant describe it.
Imagine you have been out for hours on the pull and you have had several bottles of vodka and then you go blind and dizzy and feel sick because you cant focus? well that's exactly how i feel every minute of every day ay this moment in time so im just praying to god i don't go blind if anything.
I suppose i can do really is just to think possitive, i have always found it funny because when i found out what was wrong with me and found out the seriousness of the problem people tole me to just think positive. Well!! what ekes can i do?

I go to the docs soon to explain the more recent issues and hopefully in a few weeks i get my results from my recent visit to the hospital, all should be well and good. I'm thinking positive you see, :)

-GOD HAS SPOKEN, Time to change for the better!

Do you ever get that feeling that just hits you in the face and tells you that everything your doing is wrong? i have. Ive just realized that im going about everything completely the wrong way! Ive just noticed im wasting my time on certain people, i mean why is it always me doing the chasing? don't i mean anything to you after everything we have been through. its horrible when the same thing happens ten times in a row with ten different people and your stuck, makes you wonder if your the one to blame.  How do you describe something like this, i kind of have a weird feeling that i shouldn't do this anymore and let everyone else do the chasing for once, my best people in the world that just squash me into the ground without realizing they are doing it, how can i open there eyes.          

The worst thing to me is betrayal, waking up in a morning, that person (people) you think about, they are suppose to be special without trying where as i am special to others trying my absolute hardest.

The way i see it is that inside me a have a hole. in the hole is my life, my circle of involvement in the world, the people i know, people i speak to, people i give my heart to and the people that give there heart to me. My favorite places in the world and my bestest people the people i care about and the people i love more than the water i drink. Its hard to have most of that hole taken away and still feel the same way because every-time something bad happens or someone hurts me that hole is gaining another hold inside of it, That feeling is the worst, when you try everything to recover it and there is no hope.

I am titanium, you shoot me down but i wont fall. well that's usually how it is but now its different i will go down and i have further to fall. I'm going to prove there's nothing to loose- fire away and do your worst i will soon know who deserves a place in the circle i have built for myself.

Its just that no one understands just how you feel, they never do because you always wear a mask.

                                                        I don't want to be better anymore.